


In Pieces

by parabacrybaby



Series: A Light in the Dark [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 2x10, Angst, Black Out, Blood, M/M, Malec, Malec Angst, Mild Gore, Panic Attacks, Winter Finale, mega angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-02 11:31:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10217039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parabacrybaby/pseuds/parabacrybaby
Summary: this is my first try at angst, so im sorry if it sucks.taking place in the 3-4 hours Alec was searching for Magnus.





	1. 24 Floors

**Author's Note:**

> if you didn't read the additional tags, trigger warning for panic attacks/asphyxiation references

 

“Magnus!” Alec shouted desperately as he raced through the corridors of the Institute. His heart was beating so fast that it was 20 paces ahead of him down the hall. _No, no, no, no._ He thought to himself. Over, and over again his brain screamed this frantically to the point he thought he might be screaming it aloud. _He can’t be dead. Magnus can’t be dead._

Alec kept picturing Magnus’ limp body lying somewhere on the floor of the Institute, his lips turning blue and the deep gold of his cat eyes a muddy bronze as the light slowly drained from them. He choked for air and fought back tears as he barged open a door to a bedroom, followed by 5 more rooms that were all empty. The muscles in his throat struggled to move as he gasped for hair, like a python was slowly constricting itself around his neck. His face began to go numb as flashes of all the ways Magnus could have died were violently beating into his brain.

He bit his lip as he climbed another set of steps and sprinted down a corridor, drawing blood as he broke the skin in an attempt to hold his breath and muffle the quiet sobs beginning to escape him. Alec picked up his pace in hope he could outrun these intrusive thoughts, but as time went on it became harder and harder with every empty room he crashed into, every dead body that wasn’t Magnus’, and every idea of where he could be being debunked.

“Magnus!” Alec continued as he whipped around a corner and tumbled down the stairs. Alec wasn’t even sure where he was running at this point; his legs were tingling and pulsing in excruciating pain and he was beginning to lose his balance. _No, he can’t be dead._ _I’m gonna find him alive. I have to. I-_

Alec stopped short and caught the wooden railing of the wall next to him. His chest had tightened to the point of near asphyxiation, his vision had quadrupled and he could no longer stand. “Magn- Mag –no, no, no –“ He muttered deliriously and out of breath. He gripped at his chest as if trying to rip it open to let oxygen in.  Alec crashed down to the floor, tears pouring from his eyes _. I can’t find him. Magnus. Magnus, Magnus Magnus. I can’t find you, where are you?_ Alec wasn’t sure if he was just thinking this or if he was managing to choke it out between heavy sobs. He crawled over to a nearby doorframe and curled up, burying his face in his lap, his hands yanking at his thick, black hair.

* * *

 

Alec sat there for what felt like an eternity sobbing and crying for Magnus. He had never felt a pain like this before, not even when Jace, his own parabatai, went missing. It felt like he was burning alive, and slowly, drip, by drip as the beads of sweat fell from his forehead to the hardwood floor. Alec was _terrified_. He was at his wits’ end. He didn’t know what to do. He had looked everywhere for Magnus, only to come up empty handed. Alec supposed he could take that as a good sign, but who knows what Valentine had up his sleeve? He could have incinerated Magnus, or kidnapped him, or glamored his body so Alec couldn’t see him. Alec couldn’t get himself to stop thinking of all the possibilities of what could have gone wrong.

Suddenly, a series of footsteps stomped up the stairwell onto his floor. Two Circle members turned to face Alec. “Well what do we have here?” one of them cackled viciously. Alec looked up. The one who had spoken was tall with broad shoulders and big muscles, the other one at his side a noticeable foot shorter and lanky. Their mouths curled up into gnarled versions of smiles. “Two against one seems awfully unfair.” The shorter on joked. They began to motion towards him.

Instinctively, Alec shot up onto his feet. The last thing he saw was both Circle members charging at him full speed.


	2. Broken Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor finds Alec after the Circle members. Alec can't remember much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, some trigger warnings:
> 
> blood, mild gore, black outs, loss of memory.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy, sorry its so short.

 

 White noise pierced Alec’s eardrums as he came to. He blinked his eyes feverishly trying to adjust to the blinding, white light before him. Every part of his body felt numb. He couldn’t tell if he was standing or sitting or where he was and he couldn’t remember what had happened after the Circle members charged towards him. Why were circle members charging towards him? He couldn’t recall much, and what Alec did recall was not lining up in his mind.

“Alec.” Someone echoed. It felt like it was so close but sounded so far away. Alec still couldn’t figure out where he was, his eyes still hadn’t adjusted to the light, but suddenly he could feel his limbs and could tell he was on his knees. _Who ‘s there?_ Alec tried to say. No one responded. Alec tried to get up but couldn’t move his limbs, but pain of putting his weight on his knees was starting to creep in.

“Alec.” The voice said again. It was a gentle and kind voice that sounded a lot like…

“Magnus!” Alec yelled. Or he think he yelled. His mouth was definitely moving but he couldn’t connect if he was talking or not.

“Alec.” The voice beckoned gently, again.

_Oh my god. Did I die? I can hear you Magnus, does that mean we’re both dead? I couldn’t find you. I can’t find you—_

Alec reached up his hands to touch his face and a cold, wet substance smeared along his cheek. Alec’s eyelids jolted open at the feeling, immediately realizing that his eyes had not been open, and the white light was the pressure of him squeezing his eyes shut.

Alec looked down at his hands and as his eyes adjusted he realized they were covered in blood. It was his blood; he could see the open wounds on his knuckles, but there was too much blood to be just his. He looked past his hands to see the unidentifiable face of the larger circle member; his face looking like it had been bashed in by an iron sledgehammer.

“Did….did I? I—“ He stuttered, falling back to crawl away from the dead body underneath him. _No. No, not again._ Did Valentine release another demon into the institute? Had it possessed him again? A chill of sharp needles ran down his spine as he continued to climb off the circle member.

  
“Alec!” The voice was back. Alec turned around to find Victor standing there, his seraph blade held up cautiously at his side. Alec blinked a couple of times, unsure of if he believed in the truth of his surroundings. “It’s alright, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Victor said slowly.

“Victor…” Alec began, “I… I don’t know what h-happened. They were charging towards me—“

“It’s alright, you were defending yourself.” Victor explained as he lowered his seraph blade and hooked it back onto his holster. His voice was almost at a whisper, like he was trying to avoid raising his voice at Alec in fear of him.

“Victor….did I get possessed? I can’t—I can’t remember.” Alec choked out. He was shaking violently and freezing cold.

Victor looked at him pitifully and swallowed. “No, Alec… there was no demon. I saw the last couple seconds. I kept calling you but it was like you couldn’t hear me.” He averted Alec’s gaze as he finished his sentence.

“I don’t—I-I don’t remember.” Was all Alec could muster.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Victor motioned towards him to help him up. Alec tried to get up but stumbled upon his first attempt before Victor caught him.

“Clean me up? Victor, no, I have to find Magnus—“

“He’s not here. He may be alive.” Victor interrupted softly. Alec’s arm was around his shoulder as he and Victor stumbled off toward the staircase towards the infirmary.

“But, we have to go fight, we can’t just—“ Alec raised his voice frantically. He didn’t care what his condition may be, the Institute is under attack, they can’t just stop fighting to go hide him.

“Alec, we have control. It’s fine. Valentine is caught.” Victor made a sigh of relief that lasted about 5 paces. Alec had no response to that. He just let Victor help him stumble down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note the parallel of Victor finding Alec in this state vs the store he told him earlier in 2x10. I did that on purpose :)


	3. You and I

 

“Alright, you should be okay.” Victor said gleefully, throwing the damp, blood-stained towel just used clean off the blood on Alec’s face and hands into a bucket. Alec massaged his hands, looking them over as the red wounds began to fade away from his knuckles.

“Thanks” He whispered. Alec was still on edge. His tremors had stopped but his heart was still beating a mile a minute and he couldn’t focus. But Alec was trying his best to seem calm so Victor didn’t keep him any longer.

Just then, Raj sported in briskly. “Hey Vic— it’s all clear.” Raj rolled back onto his heels and rested his hands on his hips. Victor beamed cheerfully at his second in command and then turned his smile to Alec.

“Looks like the Institute is officially  not under lockdown, you are free to go.” Victors smile was reaching all the way to his ears, but his gaze was reading anything but friendly. It wasn’t anger, but a mix of what Alec could piece as fear, confusion, and concern.

Alec thought back to the conversation they had had early in the battle, about Victor’s werewolf love, Eva. He had found Alec in a similar state with the Circle members. Was Victor’s concern for himself, Alec, or Magnus? Who was he afraid of? Maybe that’s where the confusion came in.

Alec gave Victor a nod of gratitude, his voice lost as he held his breath. He got up and began to leave, his façade of serenity slowly slipping as he started to race towards the control center and main entrance.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec burst through the entrance of the Institute to the golden glow of the early dawn. He pushed through a group of Shadowhunters making their way towards the entrance as he rushed down the stairs, his breath becoming ragged again. He twirled around looking for dead Downworlders laying around the premises, but saw nothing _. How am I supposed to find him?_ He thought, panicking.

Suddenly a hand gripped his arm, turning him around.

_Magnus._

It was Magnus, standing there, _alive._

Alec’s breath came to a halt as he slammed himself into the warlock, lifting him slightly off the ground, his arms wrapping around him so tight he could hope to never let Magnus go. They rocked back and forth briefly before Magnus released himself.

“Magnus, I thought—“ Alec began. He had so many things he wanted to say, he knew what he wanted to say, but his head was spinning and his heart was racing and he couldn’t believe he found Magnus, safe and alive.

“I found Madzie.” Magnus exclaimed. He continued to tell Alec something but his thoughts were so fast he couldn’t keep up with them. His brain had stopped trying to follow once he saw Magnus and heard Madzie was safe.

He nodded in reply until he was able to slow the pace of his mind, still struggling to breath.

“Look, Magnus…” Alec stated breathily.

 It all happened so suddenly, a gushing river of words pouring out. Everything Alec had wanted to tell Magnus, everything that he wasn’t sure of up until this point, came rushing out: his fear Magnus was dead, how he had never felt a fear like that before….

….and how he loved Magnus.

For a moment, Magnus just stood there in shock. Alec wasn’t sure he was going to reply. His eyes dilated slightly in panic at the thought that Magnus might not love him back.

Magnus’ jaw softened as a light appeared in his eyes.

“I love you too.” Magnus choked quietly. A wave of relief washed over both of their faces.

Alec grabbed Magnus’ shoulders and rushed into him, their lips meeting with a desperation and longing that neither of them had ever experienced before. He kissed Magnus hard, like the without the feeling of Magnus’ soft lips against his, he would dissipate, and it would all be revealed to be a hoax; that Magnus wouldn’t really be here and that everything he had just spilled his heart out for was wasted.

Alec broke away and pressed his forehead to Magnus’, looking at his boyfriend’s face one more time to make sure he was really there, and that this was all over. He closed his eyes and buried his face into Magnus’s neck as they embraced again, Magnus rubbing his thumb in circles on Alec’s shoulder, Alec breathing in Magnus’ scent like oxygen. They stood there, rocking back and forth for ages, soaking each other up like the warm sun after a bitter winter.

They were alive. They were _in love_. And to Alec, they were the only two people who existed right now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! please let me know what you thought! this is my first angst, so I don't expect it to be amazing but I did put a lot into this, despite how short it is.


	4. Gemini

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec keeps having nightmares from the battle. Jace comes to his aid. The parabatai bond again.

 

The night sky lay over the institute like a blanket, pitch black and starless. Alec and Magnus were standing on the roof, hand in hand. Alec was gazing at Magnus, who was staring up at the sky like it was the most amazing thing he ever saw.

“Isn’t it beautiful Alexander?” Magnus gawked happily, his eyes beginning to crinkle at the corner.

Magnus turned to Alec, black liquid oozing from his nose and eyes.

That’s when Alec woke up screaming.

He shot up, drenched in sweat and ran his fingers through his damp, dark hair.

“It was just a dream, jus-just a dream.” He breathed sparsely to himself

A knock was at the door and Jace walked in. “Hey Alec we gotta—“ Jace stopped and looked at his parabatai, who was panting and holding himself up by his hands in his bed. “Are you okay?” his two-toned eyes honed in on Alec, and Alec felt the waves of worry shoot up inside his chest; Jace’s worry.

Alec took a deep breath and lapped his legs to one side of the bed. “Yeah, it’s nothing. It was just a dream.” He stated quietly as he began to stand up. “What do you need?” he inquired as he threw a shirt on over his drenched chest.

Jace pursed his lips momentarily, calculating exactly what he was going to say. Doubtless, not what he originally came in to say— Alec could tell.

“I need you to come with me to do something tonight.” He finally stated.

“What, like a mission?” Alec inquired.

“Yeah, something like that. Meet me at Hunter’s Moon at 7.” Jace replied.

Alec began to walk towards his bathroom, grabbing his towel on the way. “Okay. Was there anything else?” Alec’s hazel eyes baring back at his parabatai’s. He knew Jace wasn’t saying something to him, but then again, Jace knew Alec wasn’t saying something too, so he didn’t bother trying to insinuate his brother was keeping something from him.

“Nope.” The blonde boy replied.

Alec nodded and turned to head into the bathroom.

“I get nightmares, too.” Jace said quietly as Alec heard him close the door behind him.

 

 

* * *

 

Alec looked at his watch as he sat at the bar, swirling a martini he didn’t plan on finishing. Alec had been waiting a good 15 minutes when a firm hand gripped his shoulder as Jace crumbled down next to him.

“Slsorry I’m late man.” Jace croaked. Alec got a whiff of alcohol on Jace’s breath.

 “What’s the point of going on a mission if you’re shit faced?” Alec barked, incredulous.

“Shit, Alec we both know the reason I asked you to meet me here wasn’t because of a mission.” Jace laughed sloppily, running a shaking hand through his bronze-yellow hair.

Alec sighed in agreeance and turned to his brother. “Yeah, well I wasn’t coming here to get drunk either.”

“Well, since you’re no fun: come, follow me.” Jace hopped out of his barstool and grabbed his parabatai’s arm, throwing some money on the counter for Alec’s drink before dragging him out of the bar. Alec protested and called after his brother, who was presumably in an alcoholic stupor, because he was ignoring him.

“Jace, seriously! Stop. What is going on? What is up with you?” Alec demanded as he yanked his arm out of Jace’s hand, planting his feet in the damp alleyway.

Jace stood with his back to his brother, standing there for a moment before raising his head to sigh and then turned around.

“This. Is how I deal with the nightmares,” He said, motioning his hands up and down at himself. “I just. I just wanted you talk to you. Want you to see. Don’t end up like me. Please.”

Alec’s eyebrows furrowed as he gazed hard at his brother, Jace’s eyes becoming red and puffy.

“Jace, why didn’t you say anything before?”  Alec asked. The better question was, why didn’t he notice this about Jace before? He didn’t notice when Izzy was on yin fen, and now he couldn’t even feel when his parabatai was at an all-time low. What was wrong with him?

“When has there been time Alec? I had no time or way to talk to anyone. None of us did. And it’s too late. I’m so fucked up, man. I’m so—“ Jace raised the back of his leather-covered hand and began to sob. Alec strutted over and hugged his brother tight, squeezing his eyes shut in hopes he could squeeze the pain away from them both.

* * *

 

Alec flipped through the pages of an Idris military strategy book as his brother woke with a start. Jace sat up and turned to see his brother sitting in an adjacent chair, his black socks loosely hanging off his feet and propped up on the ottoman.

“You know, it’s creepy to watch people sleep.” Jace remarked rudely.

Alec scoffed and smiled at his brother, closing the book and setting it down on the table. “I wasn’t watching you, just waiting. Drink.” He said as he pointed to the glass on the night stand. Jace rolled his eyes and grabbed the cup, chugging it down in one sitting but almost gagging at the taste; By the look on his face he had chugged it with the thought that it was water. Alec smirked. “Thank Magnus, it should get rid of your hangover in about 2 minutes.” Alec yawned and covered his mouth with his hand. He hadn’t slept all night. Between worrying about his brother and his nightmares, he couldn’t risk not being here when Jace woke up. They had to talk.

“Listen, about last night—“ Jace began.

“I get them every night.” Alec interrupted. Jace looked up in shock. Alec knew him opening up this bluntly was new for Jace, and it was new for him too. Usually someone had to pry him open to get him to talk, and even then some, but everything’s different now that he knows he doesn’t have to hide himself all the time.

“Magnus and I are standing on the roof of the institute, and Magnus looks at me, and black liquid is pouring from his nose and his ears and then I wake up.” He continued, rushing the words out before he changed his mind about opening up.

“I keep getting flashes of what I did to those circle members. I didn’t remember initially, and I still don’t remember all of it. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but after everything with Jocelyn, blacking out again? Killing someone with my bare hands? I ca—I can’t, I can’t—“ Alec stifled, holding his hand up to cover his mouth to stop from crying.

Jace just looked at his brother for a couple moments, bracing for if Alec wanted to continue or not. Alec remained silent as he tried to gather his composure.

“He played so many mind games,” he began. “He had me strung up and beaten. He would tell me he loved me but then put me in the worst situations,” Jace sucked in a breath sharply before continuing.

“After I escaped and saved you…at the city of bones…they were going to sentence me for life. I had the soul sword in my hands and I took it to my throat—“ Jace stopped short, looking up at his brother, who’s hazel eyes were wide with horror at what Jace had admitted.

Alec said nothing as they stared at each other, the taller boys eyes softening at the look on his blond brothers face. They shared a silent moment where each man knew the other was taking a big step by admitting these things out loud. Finally, the shadowhunter inhaled deeply through his nose and continued.

“Loving Clary, finding out she’s my sister, fighting those feelings, finding out she’s NOT my sister—Jocelyn not being my mother, Clary and _Simon_ — I couldn’t handle any of these things, and there was no time to say anything, so I just….I dealt with it.” Jace raised his hand and let it fall down in defeat. “But I don’t want you to deal with it like I do. I knew something was different after the battle. I wasn’t sure until I heard you yesterday morning. Please tell me you’re talking to someone about this.” Jace leaned his elbows onto his thighs and intertwined his fingers, leaning in Alec’s direction.

“I’m talking to you about it. Right now.” Was all Alec said. He was taken aback by the fact his parabatai— his brother— had been suffering like this with no one to talk to, and he had still tried to comfort Alec after Jocelyn, Saving Alec’s life when the atamis stone almost killed him, is trying to help him _now_ —all while Alec had rejected his aids and never had even registered to check in on his brother after all he had been through. Alec had had Magnus to come to when things were bad, but Alec was supposed to be that place for Jace, and he had failed _miserably_.

“Jace, I should have been there for you.” He choked out, his eyes becoming wet. Jace’s eyes lit up and a small smile curled at the tips of his mouth.

“You are. Right now.”

The brothers smiled at each other warmly, the sadness in their eyes slowly fading.

“You’re right. I am. I’ll always been there for you,” Alec got up and hopped to the other side of the Jace’s bed , Jace falling back to his pillow. “Better than I have been.” Alec finished.

They lay there staring at the ceiling, talking for the next several hours about everything that’s gone on, good and bad.

For the first time in a long time, Alec and Jace weren’t soldiers, or captives, or dying, or titled traitors; they were just brothers—just parabatai, comforting each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one has addressed Jaces trauma with everything thats happened to him, and someone on tumblr noticed how in s1 he said he didn't drink, which is completely opposite of him this season. So I wanted Alec and his brother to catch up and be there for each other, cause they really haven't been able to in 2a.


	5. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares are still happening every night, but this time its too real for Alec to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for gore and hallucinations (just to be safe). 
> 
> I had several people beta this and they said it wasn't that gory, but i want to be as safe as possible and let y'all know <3

On top of the Institute rooftop, Alec and Magnus were standing by the ledge, looking up at the sky again. There were still no stars, not even the moon.

 “Isn’t it beautiful Alexander?” Magnus gave Alec that same crinkly-eyed smile he always did.

Alec looked up to humor his boyfriend as he squeezed his hand, a sense of déjà vu flowing over him.

“Yeah, if I knew what you were looking at.”

Magnus looked at the shadowhunter, confused. “You don’t see it? It’s right there.” He pointed his right index finger to the sky again, the gaping black nothingness just as empty as it was 2 minutes ago.

“All I see is darkness, Magnus.” Alec looked back up again for a split second before turning back to the warlock, but it was too late. Magnus had disappeared, a pool of sticky black liquid in his place.

“Magnus?” Alec stepped back in shock, his right hand now limp, empty, and covered in the same liquid, where it had just been wrapped around Magnus’s left.

He spun around, anxious and hoping to find Magnus had popped up behind him, but Alec realized he was up on the roof alone. _Not again._ Alec thought frantically. _This_ _can’t be happening._

“Magnus!” Alec yelled, hoping he would yell back. All that answered was silence.

Suddenly, the black sky began to rumble, slowly floating in itself, like black clouds were moving in front of an abyss. Alec stood in horror and watched as the sky slowly began to pour onto the city and the ground below him, inky waves of black lava covering and burning everything, giving off the smell of burnt flesh and sulfur. Demon ichor.

“Magnus!” Alec shouted again, frantic. His body jumpstarted and he ran towards the door back to the building. He grabbed the handle, only to discover it was locked. Panicking, he yanked at it with all his strength as ichor was flooding onto the roof, pooling over and bubbling and hissing and _laughing_.

“Magnus! Where are you! Help!” He called, but again no one answered. _If Magnus wasn’t here, he’s in trouble._ Alec thought. Just then, Alec remembered his stele and drew a rune on the door, the handle falling off and allowing him access back into the building. Alec sprinted inside and slammed the door behind him, hoping the momentary pause in passageway would grant him time to get far enough away from the hot, black rush of demon blood. Alec yanked it back reflexively as ichor touched his skin, burning him. It went silent as the door slammed, and the door stayed shut. Alec stopped and looked back.

The door handle was back in its place, doorway sealed, no smell or sight of the black goo that should be gushing through the doorway.

Alec turned away again and shuffled down the stairs as fast as possible. He ran down a hallway towards what looked like a doorway. After a while, Alec noticed that the hall never seemed to end. There were no corners to turn, no doors to open, and yet he was just as far from the doorway in at the end of the hall as he had been when he first came inside. _I have to find Magnus._ He thought to himself. “Magnus! Where are you!?” He cried out, his voice echoing down the hall for several minutes, the vibrations jumping back into his direction, his screams bouncing back and forth to the point it seemed like the screams were mocking him. Alec’s whole body was shaking violently as he finally staggered to the floor, his hands bracing his fall.

Then, it went pitch black.

_Crunch._

His hands landed in something hard, warm, and wet. He felt the tops of his knuckles start to sting like they had been sliced up. Alec couldn’t see anything. But it was still _so loud_. The screaming was pounding soundwaves into Alec’s eardrums that it hurt every inch of his body. His hands began to go numb from the cuts he could only feel forming on them as he tried to pull his hands free— his nerves felt like they were being snipped, one by one, by a pair of scissors.

Alec continued to struggle and call for Magnus, his breath become shorter and shorter, his cries fainter and more desperate. “Where are you?! Magnus, please!” he sobbed.

Suddenly, rays of white beamed in from behind Alec and he was back in the hallway, his eyesight returning to him as they adjusted to the light. He looked down at his hands and saw they were covered in blood. Screaming, he fell back. He had landed on a body. The face was unrecognizable and the front of their skull had been bashed in; some of the chips of bone were still suck in Alec’s hand. But something wasn’t right. The outfit was elegant and decorative. The body’s hands were painted in black nail polish and decorated with rings. “No.” Alec breathed sharply.

 _No. No, no, no. Please, NO!_ His brain screamed.

 Alec pulled himself up and stumbled in excruciating pain to get closer to the body again. He leaned over the face and saw two muddy bronze cat eyes staring back up at him through the unrecognizable mush that used to be Magnus Bane’s face.

 

“Magnus!” Alec screamed as he shot up out of bed. It was another nightmare, but this time it felt so real. It had to be real. Something happened to Magnus. Alec looked at his hands, holding them up to see perfectly smooth skin.

 _But Magnus is still in trouble!_ Was all Alec’s thoughts were screaming at him; thousands of concepts racing through his brain, all of them ringing red alarms shrieking at him to get up and go save his boyfriend. He jumped up and grabbed his boots, running out of the institute in nothing but a shirt, sweats and shoes, screaming for Magnus into the night.

* * *

 

Magnus’s eyes popped open, his gold cat eyes swarming violently at the sudden jolt in adrenaline. Someone was trying to break down his door. He shot out of his bed and slid out of his room to the front door. “Magnus!!! Magnus, where are you?!” He heard screaming on the other side. It was _Alec_. He sounded terrified, and he was trying to break down Magnus’s door….

Magnus twirled his hand to temporarily drop the locking ward on his door. Alec burst through, sweating and pale and shaking, his eyes wide and dilated. Magnus looked at his boyfriend standing there in his pajamas, his boyfriend who was just trying to break down his door, who looked absolutely delirious with fear.

“Alec what’s going on—“ Magnus began.

Alec jumped over and took Magnus’ face in his hands, his hazels eyes drowned out by the black of his pupils as he hysterically looked at Magnus. “Are you okay? Are you—you, you’re alive.” Alec’s shoulders relaxed and the panic in his face slightly faded. “Magnus you were dead. I couldn’t—I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find you.” Alec kept muttering as tears fell from his face.

Magnus grabbed the young shadowhunter and wrapped him into his arms, his bare chest warm against Alec’s shivering cold torso and sweat drenched shirt. Alec buried his face into Magnus’s neck, is hands clawing at Magnus’ back as if to ensure Magnus stayed within his grip, repeating the same saying in between hysterical sobs.

 


	6. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec talk about the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still haven't decided if this is the last chapter, it most likely will be, but don't hold me to it! thanks for sticking with me!

The sharp orange glow of the sunrise began to drizzle through the curtains of Magnus’ bedroom. Hours had passed since Alec had arrived at Magnus’ in a panic, and Magnus had managed to calm Alec long enough to get him to go lay down in the bed. Alec spent the night sobbing into Magnus’s neck as he cooed sweetly to the shadowhunter, Alec occasionally lifting his head to give his warlock boyfriend a wet kiss, and Magnus would caress his hand along Alec’s face before going back to trying to calm him.

Alec was facing the window, Magnus spooning him with his arms tightly wrapped around Alec’s waist, their hands interwoven so tight that Magnus couldn’t even use magic unless Alec let go of them. Magnus had his face buried in the crook of Alec’s neck, his breath slow and steady, giving Alec something to model his own breathing after to sooth himself. They stared at the dust particles spinning in the morning light until the sun had fully risen.

“Hey.” Magnus finally murmured softly.

“Hey.” Alec replied. His voice was so hoarse that it had barely come out as a whisper, and sounded just as broken and desolate as it had when he first arrived.

“You…wanna talk about what happened?” Magnus asked the shadowhunter cautiously. He didn’t want to force Alec to do anything he wasn’t ready for, but Magnus wouldn’t be letting him leave before talking about it, so he would wait all day if he had too.

Alec let loose of Magnus’s hands and spun around underneath his arms to face the warlock, their faces centimeters apart. Alec then wove his right leg through Magnus’s and brushed his socks along his boyfriend’s bare feet.  Magnus gave Alec a tiny smile.

“I do…I’m just. I’m not sure how.” Alec’s eyes were beginning to tear up again, but he only let a single tear fall before regaining his composure.

Magnus brushed his hand lightly along the contour of Alec’s face and took a deep breath. “Well, it doesn’t have to be right now. But you can’t leave until we talk about it.”

Alec gave Magnus a slight nod and paused. Magnus watched as Alec processed his next move, the marshy hazel of his eyes swimming in confusion of his own wants and emotions. Alec exhaled deeply and met his eyes with Magnus’. He leaned in and kissed him, a slow and steady array of soft moans escaping them both as they lost themselves in each other. Sharp pulses charged through Magnus as he placed his hand on the back of the shadowhunters neck, diving further into the kiss, passionately entwining his lips with Alec’s. Magnus desperately wanted to kiss Alec’s pain away; he wanted the light he used to see twinkle in his boyfriends eyes when they would stop to catch their breath, instead of the pain and fear he was so used to seeing the past few weeks. His heart sank into his stomach at the thought, and Alec grabbed the small of his back and pulled him in closer to remove any remaining space between them.

Magnus’ stomach filled with swirls of pops and flutters, a mix of grief and love and hope and fear all muddled in his chest as Alec’s lips parted and he slipped his tongue softly along Magnus’ bottom lip. 

He rolled onto his back, carrying the shadowhunter with him to lay him on top of him, his legs now wrapped around Alec’s waist. Alec’s breath staggered in surprise at the sudden movement. He broke away and looked at Magnus, dazed. Swirls of grey-hazel pools danced under Alec’s furrowed brows as he breathed heavily. Magnus stared back, steadying his breath as well.

  


After several moments, Alec nodded and sucked in a ragged breath.  “I uh,” he began as rolled off of his boyfriend and sat up. Magnus followed suit and turned to face Alec, ready to hear what he had to say. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Magnus holding Alec’s hand in his lap and gently rubbed his thumbs reassuringly along the back of his boyfriend’s hand.

“I’ve been having nightmares. I thought…..I thought I could handle them, and that it wasn’t a big deal –“

“Alexander, you showed up at my loft in the middle of the night screaming and trying to break down my door.” Magnus interjected reflexively. He quickly regretted opening his mouth as he saw the shame flood Alec’s expression.

“I know! I just….it wasn’t that bad until last night. I keep thinking of the circle members and how I killed them and how I couldn’t find you and I just….” Alec choked back a couple of sobs before continuing.  “The sword is still out there. I could still lose you. I can’t handle that.”

“You won’t lose me. Not ever.” Magnus finally said.

“You don’t know that Magnus.” Alec retorted, a crack of panic in his voice.

Magnus reached his hand over to cup Alec’s cheek rubbed his thumb along his boyfriend’s face. “I do though. You can never lose me. I’ll always be with you.” He removed his hand from the shadowhunter’s face and placed it onto his chest above his heart.

Alec gave a small chuckle. “You’re going with the cheesy metaphor?”

Magnus’s gave Alec a cheeky smile. “It made you laugh didn’t it?” the gold in his eyes swirled in pleasure. “I wasn’t joking though. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, okay?” He leaned his head over slightly to rub his nose to Alec’s, whose tiny grin then grew to reach his ears. Alec closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to his boyfriends, humming tunelessly.

“Magnus, I love you so much. I really don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. I don’t think I could handle it.” The breaths through his nose struggled as he said this, and Magnus could tell he was trying to open up more than he probably ever had before. He twisted his body to face the warlock and buried his head into Magnus’s neck, wrapping his right arm around Magnus’ waist.

“I really thought you were dead, I really, really did.”

“Well, my angel, for once I’m glad I was able to disappoint,” Magnus said as he rubbed his hand along Alec’s other arm.

“Yeah, me too.” Alec whispered. They sat there in silence for a couple of moments before Alec curled himself up into Magnus, now splayed across the warlock’s lap as he held him.

 

“Hey, I forgot to mention something.” Magnus announced.

“Mmm?” Alec replied sleepily, dozing off with his head buried in his boyfriend’s chest.

“I love you.” Magnus continued gently running his hands along Alec’s arms and back, not expecting a response, but he knew the shadowhunter heard him. He closed his eyes and fell asleep with his boyfriend safe in his arms.

 

 


End file.
